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expect the unexpected

sometimes even when you've been told what's going to be said and you think you're prepared and ready...the news still hits you like a ton of bricks and you feel like you just might fall apart all over again...

how ready and prepared were you really...

(aside: dinner tonight was at a restaurant called Bricks. Ironic or what...)


the one thing that keeps everything together

Ingredients, you will need:
1 egg
1/2 cup of butter

Step 1:
Stir softened butter and egg in medium bowl. Stir in cookie mix (dough will be stiff)

Step 2 and 3 are promptly ignored b/c i'm not going to bake the cookies, so worrying about how round or how far apart the cookie dough needs to be, or the suggested oven tempurature and length of baking time are really of no concern to me.

yes, it's time to eat cookie dough once again. i get these urges from time to time. sometimes when i'm pmsing, sometimes just because. i sometimes eat already made cookie dough from Pillsbury or make it from scratch (depending on the ingredients in my cabinets). this time i decided to get one of the cookie mixes, a happy medium, where i add a few ingredients so i feel not completely lazy and pathetic. another change is that i decided to switch it up a bit and eat oatmeal chocolate chip cookie dough instead of the standard chocolate chip. either way, besides the 'moderate' chance of Salmonella from the raw really is quite good.

except when you stop and think about the fact that a whole stick of butter is really all that holds the other ingredients together, and holy shit, that's a lot of lard. somehow it doesn't stop me from eating it, though. is that weird? wait, don't answer that.

eat up!!


reruns should be illegal

that's it


so ghetto

so, i finally found a way to cover my front window. i've been living without curtains or blinds of any kind on my one big front window while i chill in my apartment watching tv or reading or walking around naked...ok, maybe not naked...but anyways...i've most of the time felt completely creaped out b/c everyone and anyone...maybe not everyone, but certainly anyone...could walk by and see me sitting there w/o me even knowing it. perfect for any kind of stalker with a big telescope or set of binoculars to check out my every move. or at least my every move in my living/dining room space. i tried to pin up some curtains, but i think my walls are made of cement or something b/c every pin i put in bent or broke off. also, the long pole that had been used in the past broke the first day i tried to hang curtains and brayson tore them down the moment i left the apartment. aka...pole too short to hang curtains.

the brilliant yet ghetto thought came upon me as i walked into my apartment today..finally. and i nearly laughed at myself that i hadn't thought of it before. the hooks that those white metal curtain rods hang on, those curtain rods that everyone used to have in the 80's, and probably still do...well, those hooks that the rods fit into...there's a pair of them where that long pole used to hang. i decided i'd use that nice long curtain horizonatlly across the window instead of like a normal curtain that hangs to the floor.


now stalkers can't see me sit on the couch or type on the internt.


here's a pic to show what the hell i mean cause my guess is my explanation wasn't exactly helpful. so, here you go...

this is brayson looking at my ghetto curtain...i don't think he's as thrilled about it as i am. or maybe it's just cause he hates getting his pic taken. hmm..

oh, and is it disrespectful to call something 'ghetto' if it's in relation to something that's an excuse for something else?? well, when it's put that way, yes, it's very disrespectful and offensive. however, i like to think of my curtain as inventive and unique...?? which is true. i guess it's not considered politically correct. my apologies to anyone reading who might be offended. though i think it helps get my point across.

this post is SO done..

i'm out.


not to be totally cliche...

so, i was reading random blogs this morning and i came across some quotes that i liked. take what you want from them:)

"To really ask is to open the door to the whirlwind. The answer may annihilate the question and the questioner."

Anne Rice

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."

Anais Nin

"She's been everybody else's girl. Maybe one day she'll be her own."

Tori Amos

i guess each quote touched home for me a i've been in a questioning time for a while now, trying to answer tough questions, figure out who i am...two tasks that i think i'll never finish. i know that after college people kind of expect that you've figured yourself out, or at least come to know who you are, what you think about things and what you want out of that you're finally past those torturous adolescent/highschool years. however, while i have done a lot of soul searching/self searching, and have a handle on at least part of who i am, i continue to realize how much i don't know about myself, about life and about what the hell we're all supposed to be doing here.




i don't think i can take it much longer...


City etiquette…

There are many things I have yet to learn about city living. many things to get used to, learn about and experience...the first night i was here i went to a Food Mart for some bottled water and ice cream and i asked how late the store was open...the owner looked at me and said, "you're not from around here are you?"

what i HAVE learned is the severe importance of having a city dog…of which I am still in want as of today. City dog etiquette is something I’m still learning about, and frantically trying to teach my dog (which for anyone who knows anything about dog-psychology…if I’m frantic, my dog isn’t gonna learn shit, so you can only guess how well i fit in around here). A city dog, I’ve come to find out includes many different things. This dog must walk in a straight line, and ignore everything in its path, be that people, trees, baby-carriages, flowers and most of all other dogs. A dog that gets excited about another dog within 50 feet of him is abnormal. A foot and a half is acceptable for a dog to be interested in another dog, but that all depends on How interested a dog is in the other dog. If the dog wages his tail too wildly or if one hair on the back of the dog’s back rises, it’s a no-no. though one won’t look down on you quite so much for all of that, unless of course, your dog happens to make a noise. If your dog growls, or, (God forbid) barks…you’re done, and you obviously have NO control of your k-9 What so ever. You obviously aren’t from the city and you should really just take your things and head back to wherever the hell you came from, b/c dogs in the city just Don’t bark. I don’t know, but from what I have learned since I was 3 and learning about my barnyard/zoo and home animals, pigs say Oink Oink, and dogs say Woof Woof. The guy coming to fix my kitchen sink got one bark out of my dog and he refused to come in my apartment. Don’t dogs protect their homes from strangers? And don’t dogs use the method of barking to do so? No, Mr. Landlord, my dog is not going to rip the handy-man to shreds because he barked at him. He’s not a man eating beast who should be sedated or really, just put down because who could ever interact with such a ferocious monster. A woman on the street tonight, who thought I was someone else b/c she was asking me if my dog was “Gertrude” looked in utter shock when brayson barked at her little dog on the sidewalk. I was trying to explain that, no, my beautiful black lab/shepherd wouldn’t EVER be named anything near something as horrid as Gertrude and that she was sadly mistaken, and her dog got a little more excited than brayson was expecting, which caught him off guard and he let out one, solid, solitary bark. The woman pulled her leash (and therefore dog) in toward her and quickly walked off, probably trying to calm her excited pooch by stating that she’d Never let him near such a brute ever again.

But my dog isn’t always the one to bark first, which is good. There has been progress, and in all honesty, he’s much better than he was when we first got here…which is quite good for a just over a week. Later on our walk tonight, we ran across a woman coming from her apartment building with two little dogs, one of whom began to bark frantically the second brayson even looked her way. The other of the two little dogs was obviously a better city dog as she walked by brayson as if he wasn’t even there. The woman walking the dogs apologized profusely, and emphatically stated 3 times in regards to the barking dog that “she’s not mine, she’s not mine, she’s not mine”…as if the mere thought that she was responsible for his horrid behavior was repulsive. Just a note, brayson, the near-city-dog that he is, barked once and then ignored the two dogs and the apologizing owner, or not-owner.

I will say though…I’m sure brayson will be fine. And I really don’t care if he gets too excited when he sees and smells other dogs. HE”S A DOG. DOG”S BARK. HELLO. Plus, he’s learning to sit every time I stop…which is at nearly all road crossings. At first I had to tell him to sit, but he’s picked it up quite quickly and nearly instinctively sits when I slow down. Soo cute
And, he LOVES his noisy toy…the one which I didn’t take the noise-maker out of just to see how long it would take him to destroy it, but he LOVES it…and couldn’t be cuter with it…though he does drive me crazy with the noise.

Maybe he’ll never be a true city dog, but I’m not sure I care…who wants to follow all the rules anyways. What would life be without a few shocked stares every now and then…screw city dog etiquette…


city life is great

City life is great. The other day I was standing outside my apartment building so that I could continue talking on the phone with a friend b/c my cell company blows in my apartment. A bird pooped on me. For the first time in my life, I. was pooped on by a bird---Bird. Pooped. On. My. Head---G.R.O.S.S. yea, city life is just great.

Other than that, it really is fabulous!!


what's in a name?

Gotta love it when you are standing in front of someone trying to get your license plates after having been to two other places already to get them, crossing your fingers that she won’t tell you, “you need such-and-such to get your license plates, and since you don’t have it, YOU CAN”T GET THEM TODAY” which translates to smoke coming out of your ears because you HATE the dmv and never want to set foot in another one ever again as long as you live. You cross your fingers extra hard b/c you’ve had a long day and you can tell that the woman in front of you had a long day as well b/c even the most optimistic part of you that usually screams “kill ‘em with kindness” is throwing in the towel and you’re beginning to resign yourself to get snotty just like her and give up on human kind as having anything good in it at all, forever.

Such was my situation this afternoon. I’ve been told by 18 different people 59 different things I need to do to get my license/city sticker/parking permit, and I keep having this feeling that it will never actually happen to me, especially with an impatient woman sitting in front of me.

Slowly, ever so slowly, I noticed a change in her, and I never thought that the reason I got her to smile would have been the reason…ever. But here we go:

She took my paperwork impatiently and began to make corrections, making sure that every “T” was crossed, every “I” dotted, which I had tried and failed miserably. She verified my first name, and pronounced it correctly, so I comment on her saying it right as so few are able to do so. To this she grunted but said nothing. A few silent minutes later, she asked what “heritage, no, where is your last name from?” to which I reply, “the Netherlands, Holland”. She grunts an “oh” and keeps going. A few minutes after that, she asks, “were you born there?” to which I reply, “no, but my dad was”. She grunts another “oh” and keeps going. A few minutes after, she says, “well, who named you?” slowly I’m catching on that she thinks my name doesn’t fit me. I tell her that my parents named me…and she finally gets out “I’ve been trying to figure out where you get your name from, has anyone else ever asked you before?” So I say, yes, and go into my schpeal about where I got my name from. She says, “yeah, it didn’t sound like a Dutch name. in fact, I, um, would think most people would, umm, think it would fit, um, as an Afric…” and I help her cause I can tell she’s a bit awkward…”African American name, yeah I know, I’ve got that before” and I smile. I can tell she’s relieved that I’m not offended, being an African American herself, and she goes on to ask how others have asked in the past. She laughed, “I was trying to be professional, but I just couldn’t understand, trying to see if you had mixed features or something”. I said, no, but my boss, who’s African American told me when I met her that I “have a black girls’ name”…(this my boss mentioned, by the way, to a room full of fellow employees, most of whom were African Americans at one of the programs where I work. They all agreed. I joked at the time that ironically I’m about as “white as they come” for having a “black girl’s” name, and one of the other employees reassured me that it’s all about the “soul in the sista” and not to worry). The woman in front of me laughed and was nice to me the rest of the interaction. She gave me my license plates.

Awesome…and kudos to my parents for giving me a name that is unexpected and made the woman at the DMV smile. I’m glad she had the persistence to ask about it. It made me smile too.

And so, that optimistic part of me has not been completely quieted…and I have not given up on the good of the human race just quite yet…though what would’ve happened if I didn’t have a black girls name…who knows….


bumbing wireless internet isn't as easy as one might think

omg...i have internet...yeayayayaya... the first day i moved in i got internet from someone else's wireless connectiong..for about 20 mins. and i haven't been able to connect since. so this morning, i turned on my computer to listen to some classical music while i'm getting ready to go to church, and here it is...i think. i have to do this quickly before i get knocked off again...

life in chicago is great...moving day was better than expected and stopped raining by 10 am..we got the truck at 11, so all was good. since then, i've been in my apartment now for a week...and it's been great. spent hours cleaning, mostly the kitchen was really bad, but i've put most things away except for kitchen stuff, cause i'm still waiting for the leak to be fixed, and the smell to go away. i was hoping that the pipes they replaced before i moved in were all it needed, and eventually everything would dry out and be good, but it's still leaking and the smell is really bad. so i finally called the landlord yesterday and he has a guy coming in on monday to fix the leak and figure out how to get rid of the the rotting what i say. we'll see if they agree.

yesterday i took a walk downtown with brayson...around Michigan ave, around the John Hancock building...wishing i could go in for a great piece of cheesecake from the cheesecake factory down below...but alas...i'll wait til i have company and head out there:) on the way back to my apartment, i walked by a great farmers market that took up more than two blocks of blocked off three blocks from my place. i'll have to check it out next week...i felt weird walking through fruit and food with that allowed?? dont' know. anyways, this town is great...tonight, i'm headed to a Funky Buddah with a friend from work for poetry readings or something...only in a big city, right?? haha

as i don't have the funds quite yet, after moving, to get internet for myself, i will hopefully be able to bumb off of this connection a few more times in the near future...soon, very soon:)

i'll be trying a presbyterian church this morning. i stopped by there the other day on my way to H&M on Michigan ave to find out what kind of programs they have for '20 somthing' adults. the woman was very nice and helpful, and listed all the programs...choirs, handbells, bible studies...but nothing for '20 somethings'. at my disappointed face, she replied 'hm...we have everything else except that...we probably should though, sorry'...story of my church-going life. i think that church goers skipped a generation. i have almost never had people my age interested in struggling through what it means to be a christian, or people searching for fellow believers to just hang out with. maybe i should just try another church...but for this morning, i'll go anyways.

church in the morning, buddist poetry reading at night...gotta love it...;)

until next time i can get on the internet..i'm out...

oh, here are a few pics of my new place...still messy and still in process, but here they are none-the-less....for now:)

my living room:)

other side of living room...still have unpacking to do:)

pooch and fabulous mosaic tyle floor:):)

that's it for now...i'm out