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what a little boredom, snow and a strange sense of humor can do:

3.27.2006 completely freaking out below

crazy = doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

this statement has been on my mind a lot lately. and while a different version of this has been on my mind in the this may be somewhat of a repeat post...the obsession of overanalyzing my own behavior rears it's ugly head yet again, and here we are.

i find myself almost paralyzed...stuck between needing to leave this town and a fierce apprehension about leaving and all that leaving entails: finding a job, an apartment, and doing it completely on my own (no boyfriend to hold my hand this time). so far, my apprehension has gotten the best of me, and i've been too overwhelmed to know where to begin. and yet, nothing that needs to get done will do itself. doing nothing-worrying and wondering, over and over again, gets nothing accomplished. i have started, i've perused employment websites and a few hospitals, along with a few apartment photos...but i've mostly convinced myself that i don't have to really start quite yet. however, the longer i wait, the worse it gets, and the more stressed out i feel. and yes, i started having headaches

so, i'll start with a list of things that need to get done so that i can leave:
1) begin, work on, and finish licensure application for class (a large ordeal)
2) study for the national counseling exam april 22 (which, by the way, just might kick my ass)
3) finish resume
4) look, apply, interview for and find employment
5) look, apply for and find apartment
6) save money so that i can afford to move out of motown in July

yep, that about covers the bigger and more stressful things that need to be completed, not to mention finish up my internship, complete a few more outings for my commuter students (without yelling at my boss for treating me like i'm 4 years old), buy a cap and gown for graduation...etc. the list goes on forever. NOTE: blog posting did not make it on the 'list of things to do' and so should probably not be taking so much of my time. however, perhaps i should add

7) maintain sanity

and then i'll have an excuse to continue this post.

ok...i know that if i take 'a day at a time' like i've been preaching all semester, i'll be able to accomplish all of these things. but right now it seems too big a mountain to climb over and i'm not quite sure i can do it. i feel that at any given time, i should be doing 8 different things and i can't decide which one to start with. i should have started all of this a month ago.

in retrospect, i should have, but for now, there's no better time to get at it than right now. and so, in attempt to keep from becoming completely crazy...i will go and get some things done.


the good ol' days

oh for the day when spring break meant time to spend with friends, time to travel south and lounge on the beach and come back to school with a tan (well, in my case it was always a lobster-like burn...but i'm reminiscing...i can remember it how i want to!!) oh for the day when spring break meant i was able to not think about school, or about the rest of the semester, and just work a hard 8 hour day, go home and do nothing...and wait for a thick paycheck after a hard earned 40+ hour work week. oh, for the day when spring break meant i Thought i'd be able to get 40 extra hours for my internship completed so that i would be able to relax come the end of the semester. oh for the day.

well, this spring break, this lovely 7 day stretch of what they call spring break involved me getting sick. twice. that's right, read it again..TWO TIMES i got sick. sunday night thru wednesday it was some sort of flu with a fever, achy body and stomach sickness. just when i thought i was getting better, i came home early from work with what is now known for sure as a sinus infection. i felt like my face was being stepped on by a load of bricks and my eyes had been rung through a compresser, while my nose is now like a piece of sand paper from using so many tissues (regardless of how many times i put neosporine on my nostriles between blows) and yet i sound like i'm wearing a nose plug. and on top of all of this loveliness, i've had so little energy i could barely make myself something to eat. not to mention get up to let my dog out. all i have to say is, it's a good thing that most of my neighbors were out of town this week because i can only imagine what a sight i have been walking outside 4/5 times a day being dragged around the yard by a black dog with my hoodie as far over my face as humanly possible because i hadn't showered, put on make-up, or put my contacts in. letting him out would tire me so much that when i'd come back in the house and land on the couch (usually) brayson would still continue to try to play and i'd end up yelling at him to leave me alone. well, kind of. more ignore him and finally he'd give up nudging his toy into my lap trying relentlessly to get me to throw it. however, in all truth, i am finally feeling a little better. i have to...because i have used up too many days not working, and it all begins again tomorrow.

i think my body was trying to tell me to chill out and relax..though not sure if i'd call getting almost deathly sick relaxing...but hey. a few good things did happen this week however. even though i didn't go out, AT all...including St. Patty's day, i was able to work on my resume for finding a job, do a little apartment searching in the chicago area, get antibiotics for said sinus infection, and talk to a friend from college who i haven't talked to in over a year and a good friend dan noteboom. a phone call after that long usually means "i'm getting married", but to the contrary, he just wanted to chat...gotta love it!! though, for the record, i would have been thrilled for him if he was getting hitched. not the least bit bitter, oh no...hehe. no really, it was good to connect with him again. so crazy where life takes us all!!

so. to finish off an already INcredibly lazy week, i'm gonna go grab me some ice cream, sit on the couch, read a bit of Pride and Prejudice just in time to watch Grey's Anatomy at 10pm. perhaps chat with a few other sickly friends on IM while i'm at it...hope you're feeling better soon hallie and danny.


target run #1

so i just returned from target...after having bought nothing of which i went there for, and a few too many things that i probably shouldn't have bought. i finally invested in some "work out" clothes. and i put those two glorious words in quotations because i use them loosely. 'working out' is the occasional 15 minute run, and then some bouncing up and down on a big Core Secrets ball a couple times a month. but i figure, if i have some fancy clothing...perhaps i might be encouraged to put them on more often...and then what good would it be to put them on and not use them for their intended purpose? regardless of my current state of being in (or out of) shape, i am trying, i am.

in any event...i will return another day to try and get what i actually went there for. oh darn, another target run...what will i do?



my fever i'm home sick. i bought a nifty thermometer though.


random = good

today is finally friday, the day that after which, spring break begins. well, it begins for most students, but seeing as i am an intern, my work continues. what is nice, is that i don't have to work with my commuter students for a week, and though i will miss them :) and i don't get paid for this week :( the break is much anticipated and greatly needed!! hopefully the weather will co-operate so i can get some good tennis in with my good friend damien.

so... the job and apartment searching has officially begun. part of me feels like i'm way behind schedule, and part of me wants to continue putting it all freakin overwhelming! at this point, though, i've narrowed my location choices to Chicago...i figured, there are plenty of mental health/addictions treatment centers in one large city that i'll be able to find SOMETHING. though i'll keep my eyes and ears open for whatever, i suppose. i'm both humbled and giddy about the prospects of finally moving to a big city. and i'm trying to remember that i still have 67 days of being a grad student...then a month or two more in motown before i can actually leave. and in all honesty...though there are few, i will miss a few things that i've come to love here...namely my fabulous apartment, and a few wonderful people (you know who you are!!)

i've given up my 6 week no-carb diet. i can think of few things that i hate more than going to a grocery store, and realizing that i can't buy ANYTHING on the bread, cereal, rice, cookies, ice cream, frenchfries, fruit, oj, name it, i couldn't buy it. and while the initial results made my pants fit better...i've decided that it's not worth it, nor is it healthy in the long run...though i've never eaten more protein in my life...probably all put my nails are strong and my hair shiny, i can tell you that!! anyways, i enjoyed frenchfries the other night, and am about to get back to my apple no, i will be healthy, but i can't say goodbye to carbs forever....i just can't!!

a few bands i've recently come across and recommend are: Anberlin, HIM (His Infernal Majetsy), the Weepies, the Album Leaf, Youth Group, and Twin A (not new to me, but out with a new album). Enjoy!!


Freud, i have a question last night i had a dream that my hot neighbor was hitting on me. in real life (and in my dream i spose) he's one of those annoyingly beautiful people who has the charm to win over the biggest skeptics of romance, a smile that makes one melt and he probably hasn't had to lift a finger to ever get a date...ever. he has always been the popular kid in school, definite frat boy in college and has always had everything he has ever wanted. for this, of course, i hate him:) i always liked his less cute, less tall, but more unique roommate, who sadly, moved away last summer ;) however, this 'neighbor of my dreams' has always been nothing but nice to me. regardless of my lack of abercrombie-and-fitch-style and my lack of no, he has always been nice and has never treated me as less than worthy of his tailgating, football obsessed, barbie doll girlfriend self or group of friends. for this, his girlfriends have always hated me. however, i have never lost sleep over the whole situation, and i spose that in this case, it has made my sleep more interesting. haha.

while i won't give details...that's just for kind of makes me chuckle and question where it all came from. i'm pretty sure freud would even agree that it doesn't have to mean i like him..haha...because i don't.

but what does it mean....muhhhaaaaaaa


Inner Peace 2006

"I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use a little more calmness in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, "the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's lrish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some saltines and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel."

-taken from a forwarded email--author to remain anonymous