4am - enter queen of overanalyzing everything - proceed with caution!!

well, i had all kinds of things to write about today...many interesting and deep thoughts about the current goings on...and yet, at 4am, it's hard to think anything is important except my bed, waiting for me to crawl into when i get to go home, away from this horrible place they call a health care facility. i am currently working my second of two night shifts at my very part time hospital job. my eyes are a little less dry than anticipated (though at 7am i won't be able to move my lids i'm sure) but i'm a little 'out of it' as they say. the hospital has no open beds so all transfer patients, which usually i coordinate and admit, are unable to come. this means i only get to answer random phone calls asking for bed numbers and/or physician pager numbers. but let's face it...it's 4 in the morning...most of the world is sleeping and my phone calls have been few and far between.

something that has been on my mind a bit lately involves a quote from class (many counseling/psych classes, but specifically one a few days ago) and i've been trying to figure out what it means for me. "People teach others how to treat them", an intersting perspective when we always complain about things happening 'to us'. gaining a perspective that makes us partly responsible for what happens to us is both frightening as well as hopeful, depending on how you look at it. in many cases i believe the statement to be true....taking away the shit that happens outside of our control (rape, war, etc.). once there is a pattern of behavior and a pattern of events...there's a good chance that some of our own behavior 'allows' these events to occur. we act in ways that feed into our beliefs and create situations of self fullfilling prophecy so that we remain comfortable and so that our beliefs 'hold true'. however, if we changed our actions, these events might no longer occur...

so, in regards to that statement, i ponder: do i act in ways that perpetuate my own belief system and therefore 'allow' people to treat me a certain way? when looking at my own life, i'll admit, certain patterns can be seen...situations in which i feel i have been wronged or treated unfairly. So. do i, in my interactions, give 'permission' for this type of behavior? perhaps. though it's hard to know exactly which behavior is the cause and what needs to be changed. Also, while i don't mind taking some of the responsibility, i would like to state that even if 'permission' is 'granted', it should not be a green light for people to screw me over or take advantage. although perhaps thats a statement for a world that doesn't exist!! question: how do i figure out what behavior is detrimental to me, what actions perpetuate thoughts about life, about love, about men, or about my chances for success, etc.? what actions will keep me from succeeding in my career or in my social/love life? i don't want to distrust men forever, i don't want to expect certain behaviors or outcomes out of life, and i don't want to 'let' people screw me over. i guess this is where the hopefullness comes in. at least we can have the power and the chance to change things. through self evaluation, and maybe help from a few honest friends!! we can break and change the cycle...maybe!!

well, hopefully that wasn't too painful...more a chance for me to get some thoughts on out and process the situation that is my life. thoughts anyone???

a short aside: the excess use of quotations in these paragraphs reminds me of the Friends episode when joey uses 'the fingers' to show quotes and place emphasis and he keeps using them wrong, and ross goes "not using it right, joe"...i love it!!) ok, that was super random...but it made me chuckle.

three hours left to go...ok, i'm out