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Imogen Heap -Wait it Out

this song is amazing...

Where do we go from here?
How do we carry on?
I can't get beyond these questions...

Clambering for the scraps in the shatter of us collapsed
that cuts me with every could-have-been

Pain on pain on play repeating
with the backup, makeshift life in waiting

Everybody says time heals everything
but what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in between
are we just going to wait it out?

There's nothing to see here now,
turning the sign around
We're closed to the earth 'til further notice

A stumbling cliched case,
crumpled and puffy faced
Dead in the stare of a thousand miles

All I want, only one, street level miracle
I'll be an out and out, born again, from none more

Everybody says time heals everything (oh in the end)
but what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in between
are we just going to wait it out?
And sit here cold, we will be long gone by then
In lackluster, in dust we layer on old magazines,
fluorescent lighting sets the scene
for all we could and should be being
in the one life that we've got the one life that we've got

Everybody says time heals everything
but what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in between
are we just going to wait it out?

And sit here
Just going to wait it out
And sit here cold
Just going to sweat it out
Wait it out


so far so good...



today was the 4th day of my new job...all is currently well.

not much mental capacity after 5pm to be able to craft a clever post...

so this is what you get...


update on the chair project...

down to bare bones...
i started sewing a little...did the piping pretty easily, and right now i have almost all of the fabric cut out...tomorrow i plan to get the padding...and then will start building this chair back up again...:)


you know you're too busy when...

you don't have time to go to the grocery store for milk and so you drink what you have in the

you took a shower at 4pm last night so decide to go to work without one the next morning...GROSS

you can't remember which pile of clothes was clean and which one was dirty and you hope that you pick a clean shirt while forming your outfit for the day.

you order in because of the value of a clean fork and knife...every other piece of flat-wear is unwashed and laying crusty in the kitchen sink--along with every plate, bowl and cup that you own

you sigh a Big sigh of relief when you return home much later than planned and don't have a mound of dog poop on the middle of your kitchen floor

you can't remember the days when the Olympics were NOT on every night

you went all day thinking it's's only Wednesday
yep that's me!


Winter Projects continued

so...this is how far i've gotten so far on my chair. i'm having some difficulty in finding the padding i need to continue, and am somewhat concerned, but i won't give up easily. I also have to purchase some white fabric to go under the fabric i bought to cover the chair because even though it's thick fabric, i need another layer to make sure you can't see through the'll see when it's done.

at the moment it's a definite eye sore in the middle of the room, but what the hey...
Look what i found underneath, but only on about half of the chair...weird. Red...VELVET...gross!!! Was this supposed to be some kind of pimp chair????i threw out all of the padding because it was old...And this is what i'm currently left with...bare. bones.Probably about 75% of all of the staples i had to pull out of the wood of the chair so far are in this container. when i started i put them in piles and threw them out, then i figured this would be a bit easier to clean up. i pulled out hundreds of these little arms/hands definitely got a good work out. and this is the proof...and there you have it. so far. more is yet to come.


Winter projects

so i've decide to reupholster my wing-back chair. the response i've often been getting when explaining this to people i know is a hesitant '' with an odd look as if to say, 'weirdo alert'...but whatever. it's a much needed task because the fabric that's currently on the chair, though livable, does not suit either the apartment or me, and after many years, it's dirty, faded and worn out. I've had it for 6 years, my sister had it before me in college, and it was purchased from a thrift store (and quickly thereafter steam cleaned), so who knows the life it's lived before us! i understand i could throw it out and purchase a new one, but what fun would that be??

so far it's been an interesting project, and at times i've worried if i've gotten in over my head, but after some research on line this morning, i feel more equipped and aware of where to go next. and plus, i figure, it's an old ass chair that really could be replaced if i totally botch this why not practice and see what i can do!!

a few pics to show progress...Brayson looks less than impressed, more like giving me a look,, what are you doing? and why are you not playing with me??
i'm planning to do as little to the springs of the chair as possible cause that scares me, but i'll be replacing most of the padding and all of the fabric...:)

here's to figuring it out!


so today was somewhat of a regular everyday kind of day, though, it's weird to make new year's resolutions that you actually care about. i realized i kept catching myself falling into regular patterns and routines that i've been trying to break and change.

Example of inner dialogue of today:

inner dialogue #1: (scene begins in car with client, lunch time, not much time to eat before next visit)
2009 me: eating at McDonald's would be great because 'client' said he's hungry and i can buy him lunch. i didn't bring lunch today anyways so i'll just grab some with him.
2010 me: but you've decided to eat more healthy and stop eating fast food.
2009 me: yeah, but i'm not going to buy this guy lunch and then wait for a subway to come along for me later, it's already after 1:30, i'm starved.
2010 me: that's why you should've made lunch today to bring to work so that you didn't have to bye from McDonald's
2009 me: yeah, but i couldn't get out of bed this morning and didn't have time. plus, i brought lunch three times last week and also on monday and tuesday this week so far...i'm 'bout due a fountain coke, damn it!!...
2010 me: you've made progress!! don't stumble now...!!!
2009 me: um. i'm in line and have to decide.
McDonald's drive thru machine: what can i get for you today ma'am?

in the fast-food-'2009 me'-vs-'2010 me'-war....'2009 me' won.


'2010 me' did win the exercising-after-work-war, so i guess 2009 me is 1-0 and 2010 me is 0-1... could be worse.

some people think that this kind of inner dialogue and split personality is reason for seeking professional treatment, and frankly i'm not here to disagree. however, i do understand how changing the 'tape recorder,' as they say, going on in your mind can often change the way you feel and the behavior that ensues. and isn't being aware of it the first step??? ;)

well, now that i've eaten like crap today, but at least brought my heart rate above sitting on my ass all night, i must get back to work. too much to do, too little time.

oh, and brayson just farted. gross...


not enough time in the day

so i've been meaning to write a fun post for about a week now...and haven't had the time/energy to do so. again tonight, i was gonna write it, but i had to go christmas shopping for each member on my team. that's 41 people. i had about $5 per person to spend (give or take a few bucks) and it had to be at Walmart...and i despise Walmart, so naturally i saved shopping til the exact last moment possible. if i don't have them at work tomorrow we won't be able to get them wrapped in time for the, em...HOLIDAY party on Friday. and for some ridiculous reason i decided to take personal time to do it. after work. potentially of course this means i could leave early either tomorrow, wednesday or thursday, but who are we kidding. i never leave early.

the sad thing was that Walmart, as expected, was disappointing, and had little to NO cheap men's items except for $3 cologne (gross). and as we have 11 women and 30 men, i had to come up with way more male gifts. they had completely run out of gloves/scarves/hats for the men, like when i asked where the section was (after having searched for it for about 10 minutes thinking im losing my mind because for the love there has to be a section around there somewhere for men's hats/gloves/scarves, the woman working looked at me and sighed...there is no section, we're all out...lovely). so, about 8 guys get the cheap cologne. i was able to find a few sweet baseball hats for a few younger/hip guys, i have some cartons of cookies, playing cards, dominos, and a box of skippo for a few family oriented fellows. lame??? me thinks yes.

needless to say, i hope it will brighten SOMEONE's day!!! and i'm now exhausted, going to kick my feet up, and probably fall asleep on the couch watching a stupid episode of CSI which is about the only mildly livable show on tv on Monday evenings after 9pm. but really i hate CSI.

i will admit, however, that i am getting excited for christmas.

i guess i pooped out a post anyways...pshshshs


life through a 2.7-inch LCD screen

So my luck has never been strong in regards to cameras. and though i know i've never spent large amounts of money on one, i will say i've invested a lot of money in multiple cameras and i feel that they should have lasted me much longer than they did. I purchased one a few years ago in Scotland and it died within the year. i then purchased a Sony which i thought should do me better and within a few months it started draining all of the battery out of the camera within a few hours. i purchased a battery charger and re-chargeable batteries, and this only seemed to help a small amount, i was recharging them after every use. slowly, the camera started not even turning on, or turning on only sometimes, and now no matter how new or charged the batteries are, it won't turn on at all. so, not only did the camera not work for more than a year, but i also spent tons of money on the battery charger and multiple batteries. now you may be thinking perhaps i don't take good care of them, but in all honesty, i think i do, i have had cases for them, and feel that because of each past disaster, i've been more careful with each new one. there's nothing more annoying than when you think you'll be able to take pics of an event and then realize that you'll either have no record for your memories, or you'll have to rely on other people to both take the pics and then eventually post them on facebook or send them by email. of course it's more often than not that the friends that take the pictures never send them, so i don't get to have the morsels of memorabilia i want from the events i've attended.

i have decided it's time to try again. and again, i realize i haven't spent hundreds of dollars to help guarantee the quality of the product, but i did take advantage of a 'black friday' sale at target (only because i actually needed conditioner and so was in the store--i wasn't one of the people waiting in line hours before the store opened, i swear!!) the 17 year old that i asked about the quality of the camera was so overwhelmed by the business of the store that he couldn't answer any of my questions in complete sentences and was looking around impatiently the whole time he was ringing up my purchase. ps, it wasn't that busy, and there seemed to be more flustered target employees than shoppers by the time i was in the store. even in spite of that, i feel that i've made a good purchase--when i opened the box there was a battery and charger with the camera. I proceeded to sigh with relief!! she is...


Hot peas

So it turns out...William James Adams, Jr. from Black Eyed Peas is really have i been missing him all this time???
he actually looks like the former detective from Law and Order...
in both cases...yum!!


ebay---who knew!!!

ok, so i'm a little behind the times, i realize, on many things. Ebay happens to be one of them. For some reason, even though i used to use (which is Ebay's 'cousin' i will say) for purchasing and selling text books, Ebay was always a bit of a mystery to me. i don't like the idea of bidding on something, having to wait and after having finally decided to spend my precious money on something, have the chance of someone overbidding me at the last minute. oh the disappointment.

now i realize that there are tricks and gimics to save me from this possible, impending disappointment, but who has time for that?? also, i always had a picture in my head of people always and only purchasing very expensive things.

to be fair, i have tried to purchase items before with much difficulty and headache. a year or so ago i tried to purchase a new copy of my favorite book by Leon Uris -Mila 18, and couldn't figure out how to pay the guy for it even though i won the book. the guy emailed me twice for payment and i ended up losing it because as hard as i tried i couldn't figure out how it worked. i swear to god there was no button for me to click to actually pay the man.

HOWEVER...i've recently made two purchases on Ebay with great success.
Success #1:
a month or so ago i bought a laptop 'cooler', which is a flat piece of equipment that sits under my laptop with three fans that cool it in order to help prevent it from overheating. it didn't cost hundreds of dollars like one might expect, i was able to find one for just under $13 and it works beautifully.

because of this i decided to try again.
Success #2:
my dipshit ex boyfriend gave me a money clip when we were first dating. mind you he got it for $1 at a thrift store, but he got me hooked, and i decided not to lose the practice of using one just because he is an asshole. it really is quite practical and prevents me from having to take a purse everywhere i go...another major bonus! recently the one he gave me broke, and i've been lamenting going back to using a wallet, even though i haven't been able to find another money clip anywhere. shockingly, they aren't sold in every corner store! i was, however, able to find one for $12 at a cute boutique but i figured if they are sold somewhere for $1, i could do better than $12. so, after going to multiple thrift stores, coming across my new favorite Vintage store on N Broadway and being unsuccessful in finding one anywhere, i decided to try ebay.

this is what i found
and for less than $6...not too shabby!! now, i haven't gotten it in the mail yet, and i did have trouble with paypal...but i got my confirmation for payment and that i should be expecting it to arrive within a few days...

ahh...modern technology helping make my life a little easier...who would've guessed, especially when used to purchase something it!


couch potato

the problem with getting sick, not only the fact that as i live alone i have to let my dog out no matter what, make my own food and wash my own dishes, is that there's nothing you want to do but lay down and do nothing...but time goes by slowly, and so tv/internet become a way to pass the time.

so, as i've had the flu for the last three/four days, i've been home, becoming what i've called a hulu-youtube-facebook junkie. i've spent much too much time on the internet and too much time watching tv. and with all of this time on tv, i've been watching So You Think You Can Dance, which honestly has impressed me. I've seen a few episodes this season, but seriously, the people competing are really solid, really talented people, and it's honestly a fun watch...even though i can't stand the host, the blond with an accent. i can't stand how she says 'judges'....SOO annoying!! i don't really watch American Idol, i stay clear away from Dancing with the Stars (Which is totally stupid), but i would recommend this's pretty sweet!

now, if only i can get rid of this headache and sore throat so i can get off this couch and stop feeling so lazy...:)


a smelly situation

i was riding the bus to meet a friend last night and i'm pretty sure the girl next to me farted. she sort of squirmed weird for a minute and then everything smelled really bad for a few minutes. and not the same really bad smell you get when there's someone near you on the bus that hasn't showered in over a week and you feel you have to get off the bus 10 stops early just to get a breath. this was pungent and gross and sitting next to me...euwww...

11.07.2009's been a while.

so i have been on hiatus for longer than i thought i'd be...i've been through a lot, and haven't been very motivated to write, or inspired to share my thoughts. mostly because they've been depressing...a bad, difficult break up...and two grandparents have passed for which i've been very involved in...not in a killing sense, but in a support/assistance sense. ok, that still sounds bad. i was there for both my grandpa and grandma at the end of their lives, holding their hands, advocating with hospice/nursing home staff for the most possible comfort as they suffered and i was there during their last moments. it's heavy. it's hard. it's surreal to be placed so close to the reality of life and then death.

see, not very positive or uplifting. however, i wouldn't've traded it for anything, and i'm really so blessed to be there, both times. on a good note, 81 and 98 were their ages and they had overall good lives. the boyfriend on the other hand (make that EX boyfriend), well that's another story for another day...if you're lucky...

the inspiration for the post this saturday morning was actually due to the fact that i wanted to share that i picked up over 30 bottles/cans (and other various pieces of plastic garbage) from the pockets of grass on the street where i usually let brayson do his business...because the bottles and cans have been there for months and i finally couldn't take it anymore. i think the people walking by were amused or at least mildly worried about my sanity. either way, my street looks better than ever before...and i'll admit, i'm slightly motivated to look into volunteer opportunities to pick up other peoples' garbage and make this city look a little that weird?? i've realized lately that i haven't done volunteer work in years anyways, and that's really sad. some of my friends tutor kids every week and i all this past week i just sat on my ass and worked when i get home from work. my life, sans boyfriend who encouraged me to take time for myself (one of the few good things about him), is really rather boring and too filled with work. maybe volunteering will be good for me...hmmm

at least for now, until another weekend of people drinking-so-much-they-feel-the-need-to-use-their-alcoholic-containers-to-litter-all-over-the-street, i get a break from preventing brayson from stepping on broken or potentially broken glass and can let him poop in peace...


time for a new post...

mostly because i can't take looking at that t-shirt every time i come to this site...

today is thursday but it's my friday cause i'm taking a 3 day weekend...woohoo!!

lata bitches...


here it is folks.

ok. so with great shame and humiliation, i give you the Back (THANK GOD) of the new shirt i have to wear at my restaurant. i know i said i'd quit if i had to wear this. i all but begged the owner to let us just wear black, to let us keep the small amount of dignity and professionalism we have left after working there, but alas, he has decided on this.

i have decided that for now, the plan is to swallow my pride, stay there until i take my test for my license (LCPC) and then call it quits. Having a deadline in mind helps me survive and keep my sanity.


reveling in free time..

the restaurant i work for on the weekends has been shut down for a few weekends, and i can't explain how much i LOVE having weekends off. since i started two years ago, i pretty much have only taken full weekends off when going out of town, but i've had three weekends off now, and i LOVE IT!!!

yesterday i slept in, went to the dog park, to target with a friend, out for dinner, and out to a movie. today, i slept in, made myself breakfast, took a bike ride to the lake, read part of a book, watched some tv, got some work done, made dinner...relaxed. it is truly a gift to be able to relax and have time off.

i really don't want to go back to work. i saw yesterday that the restaurant is back open i'll have to work again soon, but it's been great while it lasted!!


what i hate most about being sick and living on my own

while it's nice to be really young and have mom or dad dote on you when you're not well, the most frustrating thing about being an adult and sick while NOT living with dad/mom or anyone else is that even in SUB ZERO weather, i STILL have to let my dog out three times a day. my nose hairs literally froze the second i walked outside this morning and because we have so much snow, we have to walk half a block to find a section of yard that B can use. i keep telling myself i need to train him to poop and pee in the toilet. it would save me so much hassle. however, until i actually put that crazy idea into action, i have to get all bundled up and hope i don't run into anyone while i look like death and feel like shit. this headache really seems to want to win this fight.

the other annoying thing is, to have all this time on my hands and not be able to do anything fun with it. i've had about 4 naps today, i tried to watch some "it's always sunny in philadelphia" (my new favorite incredibly crude and inappropriate show), i watched Swingers again and a few Jon Stewart Daily Show episodes, but the whole time i wanted to curl in a ball and have it all just end. the pain i mean.

the good thing is, i was able to have a really great weekend around the city both inside and outside, catching some cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory and an improv show at Improv Olympic. Not to mention a few drinks and a few laughs. i was even able to say 'lata bitches' a few times. it was great fun!!

must bundle myself up now and let B out for his evening business.


a little bit all over the place.

so, i'm fully aware that i've been neglectful of my precious blog as of late...or as of the last 6 or so months. i've had so much going on that i really don't usually know where to start. the last few days on the ride home from work i finally had some clear thoughts as to what to write in a post or two, but i find that, just like the last few months, once i get home, all intelligent/comprehensive/interesting thoughts have completely vanished from my mind, and i sit and look at a blank screen not knowing where to even start. as is the same today. however, i have trudged onward and have been able to spew a few nonsensical words together to create what you are currently reading now. the honesty that is required in order to be truly relateable and interesting is not always something i feel i want to give. and in all truth, blogging is not the only thing that suffers at the end of my long days. i often have lofty desires to read books, research interesting events that have transpired over the day, listen to music i've heard on interesting radio stations, and learn the general knowledge that i seem to have missed in my 27 years of life. sometimes i feel that i have something good to contribute and other times i feel that i've been in a bubble of self analysis that has somehow exempt me from experiencing everyday things which everyone else and their mother's seem to have lived and seem to know about. and on those days, it seems much easier to post videos copied from two years ago, or go on and on about my dog, who, let's face it, really is only interesting to me and a few loyal friends of mine.

a conversation i shared with a recently new coworker has stuck with me the last few days. the discussion involved the need to 'wine and dine' the wealthy into donating money, in order to prove our need for finances to continue to provide our services. i understand that the company i work for is a business. it's a human services business. we're, (i'm) in a business which involves providing 'help' services to people who need them, whether they believe they need them or not (in some cases). i am fully aware that we need money in order to provide these services and that the state, as has been proven recently by our idiot governor, is screwed up, and doesn't pay my company enough for the services we provide. therefore, we need the assistance of wealthy donors to stay afloat. but what is the best way to get these wealthy donors to give us money? is it by showing them a good time, getting in on their levels and showing them success stories of what our services can do? is it necessary to spend lots of money to 'wine and dine', to 'wow' them, to seduce them, to reel them if the pure difficulties our members face, the mere reality of discrimination and negative stigma, and lack of resources/support/assistance don't prove to be enough to show the need for financial support?

perhaps my naivete in regards to running a business proves the problem here. and perhaps my issues more stem from the fact that my coworker, who is in the development field and not the social work field, frustrates me in regards to his lack of empathy for and clear lack of understanding of the financial stress those who are Not in the development department are under when lay offs have started and it's unclear who else may be next. Can't some of the money used to impress and inspire potential donors be used to keep the jobs of those who need them and continue the services that they provide? maybe not, but i have to say, i have really become frustrated with ignorant people who have power/influence or even the opportunities to make so much positive difference, and get impressed by the wealthy while losing sight of the original cause, if there was sight of the original cause to begin with.

which gets me to our current political disaster which includes Illinois' Governor Rod Blagojevich. As i understand, he's been under investigation for over 2 years in regards to 'pay to play' politics, and has allegedly tried to sell the seat in the Senate previously held by Barack Obama, not to mention, he's accused of trying to illegally manipulate the selling of the Cubs as a bargaining tool to get rid of certain Editors in the Chicago Tribune. One commenter on NPR this morning joked that even a Hollywood movie writer probably wouldn't've put these circumstances/events together as a believable story-line. Funny thing is, the former governor George Ryan, Blagojevich's predecessor, was also convicted of corruption and is serving a 6.5 yr sentence for it right now. Gotta love politics these days. or gotta love Illinois/Chicago politics. Turns out Blagojevich's proposed budget completely ignores the hundreds of millions that Illinois is already in the hole and proposes spending amounts for 2009 to be billions of dollars more than the 2008 fiscal year. I have no idea where this money is coming from (things like leasing the Illinois Lottery???? and borrowing money by selling general obligation pension bonds???) Meanwhile, things like financing social service agencies including the one i work for (the state owes my company alone over $8 million), as well as funding the CTA (trains and buses) in order for the working class to be able to have reliable, efficient transportation in this city...have been completely forgotten about. to be fair, the rest of the government hasn't done much to help, though senior citizens and people with disabilities can now ride free, but fair hikes for the rest of us go into effect some time in early 09 and the parking meters that he has decided to lease out to private companies, will surely increase in costs just to park downtown (though that was a Mayor Daley decision). overall, i feel like we keep paying more and more and getting less and less. i know this isn't isolated to just Illinois, or just Chicago, but i Do know that if nothing else, the respect, security and confidence we hold in our leaders is dwindling by the minute.

just a few things i've been thinking about. i'll save love and loss for another day...

oh, but just to come full's a delightful pic of my dog's crap. yes, it happened again, and we all know that if i had tried on purpose, i never would've been able to do the same thing twice.